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Mitch Hedberg
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Three Easy Payments
There's a commercial on late night T.
V.
for this thing you attach to a garden hose.
It says '
You can water your hard to reach plants with this product'.
Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach?
That seems so very mean.
I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach.
I will throw water at you.
Hopefully they'll invent a product before you shrivel and die.
Think like a cactus.
It said '
You can have this product for 4 easy payments of $19.
I would like to have a product that was available for 3 easy payments and 1 fuckin complicated payment.
We can't tell you which payment it is but one or these payments is gonna be a bitch.
The mail man will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination.
Good luck fucker!!!
The last payment must be paid in Whomp-em.
Our fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
Whats a giraffe taste like?
A hippopotamus.
I had them back to back.
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
Goddamn it anyway.
See I write jokes for a living man, I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something funy and then I go get a pen and I write it down.
Or if the pen is to far away I have to convince myself that what I thougt of ain't funny.
I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, the sign said '
Sorry, we're closed'.
You don't have to be sorry, it's 3 am and you're a dry cleaner.
It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.
I'm not gonna walk in at 10am and say '
Hey, I walked by at 3.
You guys were closed, somebody owes me an appology'.
This jacket would be half way done.
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