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Daniel Tosh
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Two
Now, if you're following me on twitter you know I had diarrhea today. Am I using that website properly? Sometimes I like to sit on the toilet reverse. “We're listening.” Its nice right? You can turn around; you can lean on the tank. “I'm gonna be here for a while.” Yea, the people that are clapping right now are the ones like “Ok, all kidding aside, he is a genius.” No no no. It's the simplicity. I've been sitting on that thing my whole life, you're telling me I can turn around have a bowl of cereal? Yea, set the alarm ten minutes later? Multitask. All right, nobody should eat while on the toilet. “But I'm lactose intolerant and i've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of puffins with whole milk.” It's more of an almond milk cereal but live your dream. Somebody emailed me and they were like “Hey dipshit.” Uh, which for the recor! d is a wonderful subject line if you ever want me to read your emails. “Oh, lets see what this nice fan has to say. You had me at hello.” He's like “You know you have to take your pants completely off to sit on the toilet backwards.” Touché. All right, so I don't research, it's a pre-shower shit agreed? Can we move on sticklers to every joke detail? You ever have a post shower shit? Oh, might as well go back to bed and start your whole day over. Things are wrong, that's not the order of events, there's a glitch in the matrix, this worlds not real, Mom! Wipe me! I recently started flat-ironing my ball hair. Come no ladies you know how it is, if you have curly hair you just want straight hair. So now when people see my balls they're like “oh my goodness that looks really really good. Isn't that damaging to the hair?” I'm like “yea, but what are you gonna do?” I wish Victoria beckham would knock it off with all the cute do's I cant keep up. My ! balls still have the '06 posh. Remember that little trendy l! ittle cu t? Posh spice? Looks like my testicles. Am I the only person that hopes David beckham has sex with brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood but make it happen before one of ems out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? Oh, if there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together, this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference, at that level its art you monkey. Ok? You should be honored to share the same restroom with those Greek gods. Can you imagine if they had a child? “Ahhhhh.” “The f- was that simba? What the fuck was that simba? That's the beckham Pitt kid? That's pittcum? The most beautiful child the world has ever seen?” picture baby Jesus, with better abs. that's a good-looking baby. If they ha a baby Abercrombie store they'd hire him to work the front door. Right? Just standing there, shirtless, propped up, he cant stand! yet, just leaning against the wall. Big poster, big poster of himself just standing there, little tight pampers. And you'd walk in and you'd be like “ I don't wanna say this, but I wanna fuck that baby. Oh man do I wanna fuck that baby. If I had three wishes two of them would be to fuck that baby and the third would be for more wishes. Oh you cant do that. Then I wanna fuck the baby a third time. I would like to use all three wishes, for banging that baby.” Go ahead dumb people be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise. Oh id love to read your email, “I felt you went over the line a bit, when you theoretically wanted to fornicate with a mythical child.” Heads up Mormons this jokes gonna sting. Next time a golden plate falls from the heavens, go ahead and put it in your spam file. Lets not base your entire life on a religion that's old enough for my dad to be like, “oh yea, that's not true. That didn't happen. I don't know why the! y're wearing their pajamas under their clothes. I assume tha! t their god wants them to be comfy.” The Mormon Church spent twenty million dollars in the state of California, making sure that queers didn't legally get married. Successfully I might add. So I guess we're not all as liberal as we thought. And this is what I say to the most conservative person, that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal, just because the state says its legal, its not like gods gonna let them into heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates just going “you're not getting in here faggots.”
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